Those of you who enjoy burning the inside of your mouths are psychopaths know all about the Scoville scale. Essentially it's a number between 0 and about 15 million that tells you how spicy a chilli pepper is, though it's usually below 2 million unless you're legitimately insane.
We're going to use that today, but don't worry, I'll give you a pepper for a tasting partner.
G2 to sign m0NESY, XTQZZZ and Aleksib
Pass the milk, sh*t's getting spicy.
Despite missing out on ropz (more on that later), G2's signing of m0NESY is one of the most exciting and intriguing moves possible. m0NESY is a prodigy, a rough but extremely valuable diamond, on a team that was two maps away from winning the Major, along with a 'real' IGL and a great coach?
I'm in. All the way.
NiKo, huNter, and m0NESY could be (emphasis on could) one of the greatest trios we ever see; NiKo is incredible, while huNter has become a somewhat understated but excellent player, and if m0NESY becomes the player we think he could be... watch out.
Now I have my concerns over Aleksib, and don't think he's as great as his reputation suggests, but he can't really fail with a team like this. I just can't wait to see m0NESY split top teams asunder.
Scoville rating: 1,500,000
Pepper pairing: Trinidad Scorpion
Shoutout ChiliPepperMadness for this useful image.
Liquid to sign oSee, shox, nitr0
I don't *hate* it, but I don't love it. shox is an incredibly uninventive move (should it happen), and one that anchors this team to a degree (they don't have ZywOo to drag him through), and nitr0 is a backward move, literally.
CSGO is - like love - all about looking forwards. Hold W, stop going back to the past, no matter how good it felt at the time.
oSee, on the other hand, is exciting; we've seen him briefly play at this level, and it wasn't crazy, but he was on a much weaker team. Now with a real team around him and tier-one competition to worry about, we might see Extra Salt level oSee.
If it weren't for him, I wouldn't be excited at all about this team's prospects. But he single-handedly raises the Scoville level past jalapeno, at least.
Scoville rating: 10,000
Pepper pairing: Serrano
device looking to go back to Astralis
See above for my thoughts on going back - I'm not a fan.
HOWEVER, nothing could make anyone think this wouldn't be SPICY. device turning his back on the million-dollar deal that has stalled his career and Astralis' reboot, pulling a u-turn and Anakin Skywalker-ing himself as the villain of Scandinavia.
It won't happen, and it would be a horrible idea for everyone, but my GOD I need to see Astralis device taking on NiP with... erm, what's JW up to nowadays?
Scoville rating: 2,200,000
Pepper pairing: Carolina Reaper
"NiP, I am your father"
FaZe to pick up ropz
It's a really, really solid move, and one that makes FaZe a contender again.
And yet... it's a little warm, but I'm not feeling the heat. It feels like ropz has been a FaZe player in spirit for about 3 years, and him finally going there only made me realize that he isn't already there.
It's sort of advertised as a hot and spicy roster move, but it's a bit mild for my tastes.
Scoville rating: 7,000
Pepper pairing: Jalapeno
He's called Kool for a reason.
Complexity to bring in Extra Salt trio, Grim and junior
I like this one. I like this one a lot.
On its surface, it's a medium heat one; but it's actually lowkey pretty fire. floppy is a superb player who is unfortunate enough to be American and therefore had little opportunity to shine on the international stage; FaNg is inconsistent and raw but talented; junior is unfairly maligned due to a bad spell at FURIA, but otherwise is a rough diamond; JT nearly always has well-drilled teams even if he himself is an underwhelming fragger at a high level, and we all know what Grim can do.
If this team clicks, it's going to take some big names.
As long as they're allowed to cross the pond.
Scoville rating: 200,000
Pepper pairing: Orange Habanero
saffee to join FURIA
Good move, but it sounds like exactly the first name you thought of when you heard FURIA were changing player. saffee is great, but it's a 'safe' move. Pardon the sh*t pun.
They need an AWPer. Pick up the best one. Zzz. Give me something more interesting.
Not spicy, 0/10.
Scoville rating: 100
Pepper pairing: Pepperoncini
Zzz. Give me something more interesting.
Vitality pick up three Danes
Now we're bloody talking. What the hell is this move?
Will it be good? I have no idea, but that's not what this article is about. It's completely insane and probably the most befuddling and intriguing moves we've ever seen in CSGO.
ZywOo, apEX, misutaaa, Magisk, dupreeh, zonic. And they get to play against NiP with device, and Astralis with gla1ve, and Liquid with shox? This is amazing. There are so many grudge matches, so many questions, and so many legacies on the line.
I don't think I could make up a more insane, story-driving, chaotic team.
Scoville rating: 5,000,000
Pepper pairing: Pepper spray, like the stuff the police spray at you if you get a bit lairy.
The new device. But like, better.
Evil Geniuses to sign Stewie2k and autimatic
Pretty spicy, but it's more like a favorite curry than DaBomb hot sauce.
Like, you know it's not going to take your head off because you've seen it before; but if you've been eating nothing but white bread for a year, it does have a bit more of a kick.
But it takes a bit of the edge off when you're still dipping the naan bread in the curry - the bread here being CeRq and Brehze.
However, there is still a blank space on the rumored roster, and there's still talk of malbsMd moving on from TeamOne - which would drop a dab of Naga into the Cayenne.
Scoville rating: 40,000
Pepper pairing: Cayenne