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Cutting PR Crap: NiP’s Brollan press release decoded by Jaxon


There are so many statements in esports with nonsense org bullshit.

"Cutting Crap" is my new format where I take press releases from players, tournaments and teams and decode them.

I read between the lines of the press releases and serve my findings to you. Enjoy:

NiP sign Brollan - Jaxon decodes

You'll find the original press release here: https://nip.gl/pages/right-place-right-time.

Now. Let me decode some of that org BS for you:

NIP's statement

"Player transfers are always shrouded in mystery, the subject of endless speculation lived out in fantasy leagues and social media posts."

What they really meant

“Please stop tweeting us to announce Brollan. Even though you were right, you don’t understand how hard it was to convince Fnatic to take the boatload of money we just gave them.”

NIP's statement

"They look so simple from the outside — just get this piece instead of that one and the puzzle will be complete."

What they really meant

“You can’t just ‘sign Brollan’, you have to wait ‘til he gets pissed off playing with Brits.

NIP's statement

"Ludvig “Brollan” Brolin has been every theory-crafter’s favorite puzzle piece since he first showed up on the scene in 2017, a generational Swedish talent with uncapped superstar potential."

What they really meant

“Yes, again, we heard you. Please stop tweeting us. He’s the best Swedish player, and by definition is a generational talent because he’s the first decent player since 1994 when we were last relevant in CSGO.”

NIP's statement

"But we're not doing puzzles here, we're trying to win Majors."

What they really meant

“If my boss realises we spent $1.6m and still aren’t close to winning a Major, I’m in deep trouble - so we will pretend we’re on course.”

NIP's statement

"So while Brollan has been earning his stripes on the circuit, we've been creating structures that support fluid rosters and...

What they really meant

“device stopped playing unexpectedly (understandably, but not ideally) so we’ve been winging it with phzy - with a bit of luck he’ll come back soon and we won’t have to bother with Plopski too. Until then we have to pretend we’re going for a seven-man roster to keep him on board.”

NIP's statement

...allow us to make big bets while maintaining a level of stability and resiliency uncommon to esports."

What they really meant

“This is a massive hail mary to try and win a Major. Sunk cost fallacy isn’t real, it can’t hurt me. We must pretend we are stable, otherwise it looks like we had no idea device would be out this long.”

NIP's statement

With Ludvig on board, we’re betting that we can be title contenders for years to come. And that’s not just us saying it — Hampus promised.

What they really meant

“We’re ‘betting’ on this ‘cause we’re already $1m deep and we have to keep going. It is a huge gamble of sponsors’ money. Somehow we must gaslight fans into thinking Hampus isn’t part of NiP and somehow his word is sacrosanct as an onlooker.”

NIP's statement

“We’ve been looking at Brollan for years now — every serious team has. In my mind it hasn’t been a question of whether he would join, but when, and I think he’s chosen a fantastic time.”

- Jonas Gundersen, COO.

What they really meant

“We realised we f*cked up by not signing him as a teenager and we’re glad that we can finally right that wrong, three years and $600k later.”

NIP's statement

Sweden’s arguably best player is already hard at work getting plugged into our system in order to be locked and loaded for the April 2022 European RMR.

What they really meant

“Even we’re not convinced he’s that good. Arguably?”

NIP's statement

“I’m excited to take the next step in my career with NIP. I go way back with some of the players and I really feel like it’s time to lift some trophies together.”

-Ludvig “Brollan” Brolin

What they really meant

“Thank god I don’t have to deal with people like smooya any more. That was enough to put me off the English language entirely.”